Healthy

I have never been overweight, but I have this fear of becoming overweight. It's pretty ridiculous considering that never in my life have I weighed over 126lbs. I'm 5'4 and a size 4 for godsakes.

As a kid I remember feeling extremely awkward, mostly 7th - 9th grade. I was about 4'11 in 7th and of course I was in PE like everyone else. Regular physical activity. I've never been super comfortable with myself. It really didn't help that I hadn't really hit puberty whatsoever until I was almost halfway through 9th grade. Late bloomer, unlike the majority of my friends. Naturally I felt out of place and weird. That was such a strange in between period because you're lost somewhere between being a kid and a teenager. It weirds me out now to see kids that age acting like they wanna be older. Hell I didn't want to be older then, I was like "I'm going to get a what and do what once a month? wtf gross!" Being a kid sounded wayyy better. The whole body changing thing was not ok with me. Braces, sweatshirts, and short hair. Oh man, I was hot shit--not. I think that time period fucked up the way I looked at myself. The lack of attention from guys and how much prettier I thought half the girls were than me, that really didn't help. Then it was more of a "I wish I had pretty hair and no braces" as compared to now which is "I look fat ugh."

This has gotten better with age but recently I've gotten more paranoid about it. I've tried to do away with bad habits for the most part, but of course my ocd side takes over. Its like having a person sitting on your shoulder--almost like the angel and the devil that typically pops up in tv shows--but all it says is "that probably has too much fat in it, read the label" or "that's going straight to your abs!"

Last year I decided that my resolution was going to be drinking enough water to curb my snacking and also give my skin a little love. Now I've got my big Weight Watchers cup (it was my mom's) that I carry around at home n keep with me at work. I can drink 3 whole cups per day max. That sounds like nothing until you realize that it holds 32oz of water. And yes, its helped my skin a little but for the most part its eliminated any sort of "hey hey what's in the pantry" thoughts I get.

But what really made me paranoid was my parents health. First of all, my dad has type 2 diabetes. I wish he would eat better and maybe go on walks or some sort of moderate exercise. It scares me to think that the extra weight could cut anything short. It makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it. In August while on vacation, my mom had a heart attack. She was in the best shape of the past 10 years and working out with a personal trainer 3 times a week. Why? She's not old enough for that to happen. Now we know that it was caused by her being on a hormone patch for an extended amount of time. Something about weakening your blood vessels, its in the fine print on the prescription of course. You never think that kind of stuff will happen, well except for gas or mood swings. They might as well just make "shit might happen so go to the doctor" as their disclaimer.

Continuing...since both of my parents have had health problems, its given me (and I know its affected my brother as well) a sense of...warning? Not quite the word I'm looking for, maybe more of a slap in the face by reality that your health is something that you have to keep up with. So now its me trying to balance the "be healthy" thing without going overboard. I would never make myself throw up or any of that nasty eating disorder crap. But it can be a struggle to force yourself to "want" a smaller portion of a favorite food or get enough fruits and veggies. Obviously it really helped that my mom was in really good shape before her heart attack, other patients that were perhaps overweight or ill had higher risk factors of death. And as I sat on the floor--no I laid there (yea gross floor whatever)--I thought of all the scenarios of what could happen, carried all the stress in the room, swore up n down in my head. I told myself that I had to take care of myself better, because if anyone can have a heart attack like that out of the blue they better be in good shape so they can pull through. I guess its easy to phrase as, giving yourself the best chances for survival? It was a kick in the pants, nonetheless traumatic.

I refuse to "go on a diet". If I'm going to change how I'm going to eat, then its going to be an overall change. Temporary food changes just mess up the whole process. You can say that you won't drink soda anymore, but doing i can be hard when it stares you in the face at a restaurant. You don't really want the water, you want a Dr. Pepper. But hey, water is free so you make that half the reward. So far, I'm going step by step. I've mastered getting enough water. The next step is actually getting to the gym 3 times a week. Now that is a challenge.

Thank god I'm not a smoker or a heavy drinker--by the way, that's the first thing they ask you when you've had a heart attack. Heart disease from heavy drinking for the lose! The things on my health list aren't many but they're important. The hard part is sitting in front of fries and not wanting to reach for them constantly. And yes, mom is doing fine now. It's been almost 6 months since it all happened. No special "diet", just moderate exercise and low fat/low sodium like everyone should be doing.

Right now my goal isn't to lose weight, but gain muscle and tone up.

My New Years resolution this year: skin.
1) no sunburns
2) drink enough water
3) always use lotion
4) no tanning--spray tan is ok