And Then Before Ya Know It..

On the way home from the orthodontist today, me and mom had a discussion about jobs. I was telling her how I'm starting to feel the passing of time and realize that I'm going to need a better job. Mainly for financial stability but also to be able to move up in that company. Any of us can hope for a new job from the old one that we have grown tired of, but getting that new job is harder than just picking one and going for it.
The economic situation that most businesses are in right now....not the best though improving. And I understand that everyone wants to stay in business or at least above water. Sadly this is putting people like me in a shit situation for job outlook.
No right now isn't exactly peak hiring season. I definitely know that but it doesn't stop me from applying and looking, asking around. My mom told me that something will come up when its meant to and hopefully it'll be a solid job.
I've interviewed at 2 places in the past week which is nice. Kind of like a false sense of progress, I've stepped out there but not really left the building. The first was at CVS and the second at South County Physical Therapy. I knew after 2 minutes of my interview at CVS that I didn't want the job. Why? These guys were robots and the workers looked like someone had sucked out their souls with a shop vac---I like people with personalities. My interview at SCPT was good but I rather not take the place of someone who is studying to work in that field. I'd feel like I was stealing their seat! No, I have no intentions of a career in physical therapy so I willing accept that I'm not the best choice. The benefits of workplace experience would be much better for a student who wants to be a PT. And that's just not me.
So basically, I'm yet to find anything that greatly interests me and would benefit me enough (to leave my current job). We'll have to wait and see what comes next. Patience.
Note: I am NOT going to work at a food place, all of those who have suggested it can shut up now. This includes restaurants and fast food places. I am not picky about jobs, because if I was then I would never have worked at Blockbuster.
Going back to me beginning to "feel the passing of time". Has anyone else noticed this? It's like I was 17 years old and graduating high school then the next thing I know, I'm in my 4th year of college? Holy crap man, its crazy to think about. Of course it all makes logical mathematical sense. As we get older, the time that goes by seems faster and faster because it starts to become a smaller fraction of time compared to our entire life. For example, as a kid the school year felt like an eternity because you were only 10 years old. Because 9 months of school was a decently large amount of time in a 10 year period. But 10 years later its not going to seem so damn long. Now I'm just rambling.
I don't know. I feel like I want more stability for future things. Mainly things like being able to pay off my student loans and pay for my phone bill by myself.....It's like the Domino Effect. Stupid Eisenhower, why did you have to come up with the Domino Effect? Yea it was a theory on the spread of communism in Southeast Asia, but I think it's more likely to be about overthinking. Helloooooo overthinking mind! I start thinking about getting a new job and the next thing you know I've made an entire outline of what I need from that job including possible promotions and a payscale estimate for the next 5 years. Goddamn. Now we're back to the "before ya know it" thing again.

Friend Classification + Ramblings on the Subject of Friendship

Most of the time I consider myself to be pretty tolerant of other people as far as friendships go. You can be obsessed with whatever artist or musician, smoke or drink, single or not. Doesn't really make a difference. To be perfectly honest, you can be an asshole or the nicest person in the world. I've been asked many times "how can you stand being friends with _______?"

"Best friends", they tend to be similar in thinking, like my friend Nura or Breanna. Both quirky and smart, we shared an interest in film and a few high school classes. Even though both are what I call "my wandering friends". This refers to the fact that both of them have traveled alot in the past few years, mainly because after graduating high school Nura who moved to Ethiopia for almost a year then detouring through Europe on her way back to California. Besides that Breanna now lives on in Monterey's Air Force base or training center, I'm not sure how they specify it there. I'm yet to visit.

Moving on here...I often lose contact with these people, and reconnect after extended gaps or do the monthly hang out session type dealio. Only through our mutual efforts do we remain friends.

My "conflict friends" are another story. These are the people that you hang out with for generally short periods of time or your brain will explode. Whether its because of their obnoxious, over-the-top personality or whining too much. Everyone has at least one or two friends like this. Usually they're just so high energy that it wears you out.

"The dumb ones", yes I said dumb. You love them but man they're just dumb sometimes. This friend is often subject to being combined with a "energizer bunny". Drinking too much or getting in trouble is funny to them. At this point in time I find that this friend gets annoying really fast because you want to tell them what you think but you don't want to be mean about it. So by avoiding voicing your opinion, you ultimately stop telling them things and become distant. I have more than a few of these and yea they get annoying after awhile but I never break off the friendship.

"Omg what happened" people. We all think it in our head but nobody will say anything out of politeness. No elaboration necessary, ten bucks says you know a few too. Suddenly falling off the map then popping up with any of these; having a kid, getting fat, large tattoos, religious obsessions, etc. There is no way to ask what happened without sounding like a complete asshole and starting a shitfest.

"Druggie friend"--No explanation needed for this fellow. He or she likes drugs, commonly the stoner in a group of friends. When they pick you up and start heading to a business center you know what's up. Roll down the windows and hope you don't get any secondhand smoke. Gross but one of the nicest people. If you run into an old classmate like this, they generally remember you and want a hug. I've never quite understood how that works since most stoners are pretty slow reacting.

All of these above people. I am friends with. ALL OF THEM. Why? Where did they come from? And I think I might have figured it out. It's not overly complicated. I didn't have a jacked up childhood and my parents never fought or divorced. Everything was great. Apparently this attracts people with the opposite experiences to me (majority). My boyfriend has said I had "the perfect childhood" compared to his experience. My brother has this too but its worse enough to call it the "trainwreck problem". If you've got problems then you'll end up talking to him about it. I think this is the big reason he likes psychology. Continuing on...

People are too picky and unforgiving of others. Its not that I put my trust in just anyone that I become "friends" with, its the effort that the other person shows. The amount of meaningful talk instead of texting. The inside jokes and understanding the others body language. Enjoyment and humor. Essentially being able to read each others' moods and tell when something is wrong. These things make a friendship.

I fear that so much of this digital age shit is starting to impact the younger generations negatively. Speaking for my own age group I know that the advent of AOL Instant Messenger and MySpace opened up a whole can of worms for the world of communication. How often do we all actually have those meaningful interactions, talking in person--not just texting? I wonder if anyone still passes notes or girls still have passbooks with their friends. I still have two passbooks in my cabinet and its hilarious to read what we thought was so important.

This upcoming generation is losing out on all of that and most likely going to suffer from alot of boredom. If I can read the complete summary of who you are on Facebook then why bother meeting you? Hanging out? What will I ask you if it answers all my questions? It seems to make actual true interaction pointless.....we'd all be on our phones anyways. Ugh.

I think that I choose to put up with just about everyone, with the exception of the people I see as unrelatable. You choose your friends. I choose my friends. But I don't think we really choose who we get along with, its more of a temperament issue and I'm the golden retriever that's happy sitting next to anyone.

Endless Job Search

To be perfectly honest, I'm tired of my job. Tired of the changing management, changing policies, and constantly being told that we're probably going out of business. The whole feeling of my work environment has gone from great to "can I kick my boss in the face now?" That's bad. Obviously nobody wants to work in a hostile work environment.

So I've been conducting a job search over the past few weeks, basically the last month. I really wish someone would just call me back or be nice enough to give an interview. A few days ago I went out and bought business slacks for that purpose haha. Thanks JC Penny for that lovely sale! But alas, buying pants for an interview doesn't mean you have an interview. Needing a job doesn't get you a job. This is the real world, and I'm tired of waiting.

All I ask for in a job is friendly people, a busy-ish work environment, and more than $8.50 per hour. Yea yea that's minimum wage, but I've been paid $8.50 for being yelled at by customers who don't want to pay that much in late fees for 15 minutes straight. Even when I worked at the CPA office in Laguna Beach, paid $8.50 for 5 times the amount of work.

I'm so impatient about it. I've applied at Target, CVS, Petsmart, Tommy Bahama, Fresh & Easy, Regal Cinemas, and the Apple Store. Everywhere! (no I don't plan to work in the food industry thanks)

Quick summary:

• 3+ years of job experience
• 6+ months professional office experience
  
• an associate's degree
• a car to get there

Seems that most places are looking for FULL TIME employees

....yea I have to go to school so that's not possible

I can do 25 hours max per week

SOMEBODY HIRE ME AHH

First Day of Spring Classes

Today was the first day of spring classes, and I'm quite proud to say that I made it to school on time even with 2 traffic jams. The usual right before the I-55 and then on the 57 past Angel Stadium where a car had broken down in the center lane.

I managed to not be late to any of my 4 classes either :]

1. Film Music
   
2. California Cultures
   
3. Intro to American Culture
   
4. Women in American Society

As usual I've found a look-alike to someone I know. If you went to high school with me you'd know him as "Paul the Freshman". Right out of the corner of my eye I spotted him, seated in the row next to me. I had to hold myself back from screaming "woahhh shit you grew a beard!" It was bizarre.

One thing that bothered me today during 2 of my classes. I noticed that I was one of only a few white girls in the classroom. The color didn't matter to me, but it was the size! I was the only non-obese white girl. Really? Out of 45 people, there were 25 girls and about a third of the girls were overweight. That just makes me sad.

We all have an inner social pyramid, and some people have it stacked up by race and others by attractiveness. I don't subscribe to either of those, but it seems that I'm very hard on overweight people. I'm not really sorry when I saw "eww gross" because everyone should dress for their body. Not just wear the same tight t-shirt that the other girls are wearing. It's unflattering and only amplifies the "omg look at me" effect. It's like when you see someone, guy or girl, wearing neon pants. You don't notice their face or what they're doing. All that registers is GUY WITH NEON PANTS. It's the same thing.

There were countless people today dressed for meeting new classmates, n some of them appeared to have gotten dressed in the dark. Honestly I don't care about the people who wear workout clothes or a college sweatshirt to class. It's comfortable and that's a big thing for me when I buy clothes--so I understand. Plus who give a crap what your classmates think if you're not even allowed to talk during class. Woohoo lecture classes make everyone a complete mystery n prone to assuming who their fellow peers are.

One more thing, err more of a question. Why in the world does every guy have to douse themselves in Axe or any other overpowering cologne? It's always seemed worse for the first week of classes. I understand trying to make a good first impression but dude, lay off on the smelly stuff. I can't handle sitting next to anyone like that, it's terribly distracting.

So, quick summary.

• finding look-alikes of people you know can be creepy.
  
• wear clothes that don't "yell" at the people around you.
• don't come to class smelling like you bathe in Axe or other cologne.
  

Getting Back Into It

I need to get back to yoga classes. But I was so frustrated last time I went by the instructor. Yea, I go to the classes at 24 Hour Fitness but still I expect a good yoga teacher as I've had many times. I need to drag a friend along with me to go the first few times so I'm accountable to having to go instead of making excuses in my head n just going back to sleep.

It's ironic that I fell off the yoga wagon after the most stressful event of my life (my mom's heart attack a few months ago). In a way it shot my motivation for doing things while it made me sit and stare at the lake for a good 2 hours. Funny how a sudden appreciation for little things makes you completely zone out n fall inwards. Even though she was fine, it still knocked me on my ass enough. At least we were on vacation, I don't think I would've handled social situations very well. I did become irritable about little things like my boyfriend's step-dad making comments to my dad about putting mayo on his sandwich. Of course my dad can stand up for himself and told him to fuck off right in front of me. Concern for myself had completely drained from my mind after those few days at the lake. As usual my focus became taking care of everyone else, the typical female job. I shutdown for the most part, just my blank face with eyes shut as I laid on the balcony swing. Listening to the crickets and the water was the closest to relaxation I'd get. My last yoga session by myself was the previous day. It was nice, with a view even. Now that I think about it, my motivation was zapped and that's what needs to be built up again.

I'm not a naturally athletic person, never have been and never will be. But as I've spoken about in previous posts, I'm now trying to spend time on doing things that are good for me whether its what I eat or working out. I need me-time sometimes, though I do enjoy taking care of the people I love. I don't enjoy being a personal reminder system or a maid, etc...blah blah blah. And so I'm looking for rewarding things for ME.

My goal for the month has been to start running, which is going well so far. I've put the headphones on and ran, not far but its the act of going for it that counts. Generally past the pool and down the trail through the neighborhood and back through the dog park to my house. Simple really. Hopefully this next month I can get myself to a yoga class too. Perhaps Sunday mornings, though the Sunday instructors are always such....they favor the beginners too much. I don't want to "stretch" my feet for five minutes. That's a waste of the hour if you ask me. I want to show up and engage myself throughout the class. Not pussy out with beginner exercises.

It would be nice to get back to the point where I can comfortably do my own routine at home. But that took awhile to do. I downloaded yoga position apps for my phone, bought a book all about the poses and working through a routine day by day. Somehow I had become obsessed with it. Most likely because I was getting me-time in a room full of people that were looking for the same thing--concentration and a peaceful hour that's all about you. Gaining flexibility and a noticeable difference in my core were the cherry on top.

Let's see if I can do this. Being that the spring school semester starts on Tuesday for me will ad a challenge. Homework on top of work, on top of goals. Winter break has been dull and full of working so I welcome back classes, lectures, and things to think about. I can manage if I really try.

Healthy

I have never been overweight, but I have this fear of becoming overweight. It's pretty ridiculous considering that never in my life have I weighed over 126lbs. I'm 5'4 and a size 4 for godsakes.

As a kid I remember feeling extremely awkward, mostly 7th - 9th grade. I was about 4'11 in 7th and of course I was in PE like everyone else. Regular physical activity. I've never been super comfortable with myself. It really didn't help that I hadn't really hit puberty whatsoever until I was almost halfway through 9th grade. Late bloomer, unlike the majority of my friends. Naturally I felt out of place and weird. That was such a strange in between period because you're lost somewhere between being a kid and a teenager. It weirds me out now to see kids that age acting like they wanna be older. Hell I didn't want to be older then, I was like "I'm going to get a what and do what once a month? wtf gross!" Being a kid sounded wayyy better. The whole body changing thing was not ok with me. Braces, sweatshirts, and short hair. Oh man, I was hot shit--not. I think that time period fucked up the way I looked at myself. The lack of attention from guys and how much prettier I thought half the girls were than me, that really didn't help. Then it was more of a "I wish I had pretty hair and no braces" as compared to now which is "I look fat ugh."

This has gotten better with age but recently I've gotten more paranoid about it. I've tried to do away with bad habits for the most part, but of course my ocd side takes over. Its like having a person sitting on your shoulder--almost like the angel and the devil that typically pops up in tv shows--but all it says is "that probably has too much fat in it, read the label" or "that's going straight to your abs!"

Last year I decided that my resolution was going to be drinking enough water to curb my snacking and also give my skin a little love. Now I've got my big Weight Watchers cup (it was my mom's) that I carry around at home n keep with me at work. I can drink 3 whole cups per day max. That sounds like nothing until you realize that it holds 32oz of water. And yes, its helped my skin a little but for the most part its eliminated any sort of "hey hey what's in the pantry" thoughts I get.

But what really made me paranoid was my parents health. First of all, my dad has type 2 diabetes. I wish he would eat better and maybe go on walks or some sort of moderate exercise. It scares me to think that the extra weight could cut anything short. It makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it. In August while on vacation, my mom had a heart attack. She was in the best shape of the past 10 years and working out with a personal trainer 3 times a week. Why? She's not old enough for that to happen. Now we know that it was caused by her being on a hormone patch for an extended amount of time. Something about weakening your blood vessels, its in the fine print on the prescription of course. You never think that kind of stuff will happen, well except for gas or mood swings. They might as well just make "shit might happen so go to the doctor" as their disclaimer.

Continuing...since both of my parents have had health problems, its given me (and I know its affected my brother as well) a sense of...warning? Not quite the word I'm looking for, maybe more of a slap in the face by reality that your health is something that you have to keep up with. So now its me trying to balance the "be healthy" thing without going overboard. I would never make myself throw up or any of that nasty eating disorder crap. But it can be a struggle to force yourself to "want" a smaller portion of a favorite food or get enough fruits and veggies. Obviously it really helped that my mom was in really good shape before her heart attack, other patients that were perhaps overweight or ill had higher risk factors of death. And as I sat on the floor--no I laid there (yea gross floor whatever)--I thought of all the scenarios of what could happen, carried all the stress in the room, swore up n down in my head. I told myself that I had to take care of myself better, because if anyone can have a heart attack like that out of the blue they better be in good shape so they can pull through. I guess its easy to phrase as, giving yourself the best chances for survival? It was a kick in the pants, nonetheless traumatic.

I refuse to "go on a diet". If I'm going to change how I'm going to eat, then its going to be an overall change. Temporary food changes just mess up the whole process. You can say that you won't drink soda anymore, but doing i can be hard when it stares you in the face at a restaurant. You don't really want the water, you want a Dr. Pepper. But hey, water is free so you make that half the reward. So far, I'm going step by step. I've mastered getting enough water. The next step is actually getting to the gym 3 times a week. Now that is a challenge.

Thank god I'm not a smoker or a heavy drinker--by the way, that's the first thing they ask you when you've had a heart attack. Heart disease from heavy drinking for the lose! The things on my health list aren't many but they're important. The hard part is sitting in front of fries and not wanting to reach for them constantly. And yes, mom is doing fine now. It's been almost 6 months since it all happened. No special "diet", just moderate exercise and low fat/low sodium like everyone should be doing.

Right now my goal isn't to lose weight, but gain muscle and tone up.

My New Years resolution this year: skin.
1) no sunburns
2) drink enough water
3) always use lotion
4) no tanning--spray tan is ok

Woops

I can't remember the last time I actually logged into my Blogger. Sorry about that--been wandering Tumblr for a few months instead. But besides that I honestly forgot that I had this site.

Well now, I should probably attempt to get back into this blogging thing but I'm not sure how its gunna go. Especially starting right before the semester starts. Oh well, let's give it a go while I'm here right?

The only thing I've got to do now is try to find something to write about. I'll be writing on Notepad for awhile before I post anything. So this is me checking in. Hello hello! I will post soon :]
--Courtney